I do not know why I am so reluctant, but after updating my “About” page it seems this site kept track of my approximately 2 years of silence. In this moment, I am forced to fully realize exactly how long I’ve been stiff arming the Sovereign God. I realize its time to take the foam ear plugs that I was using to silence the Holy Spirit. (FYI, they didn’t work because I heard His promptings anyway.) During my absence from posting publicly, I did not fall away and at no point did I stop pouring my heart out to the Lord in prayer and with writing.
This blog launched me into an opportunity very far out of my comfort zone. I spent a good part of a year on a women’s writing team from my local church to develop a Bible study on Psalm 46:10 “Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” I can tell you it challenged me in ways I never imagined. I had many moments, and full on days I would struggle and fight with God over my placement and worthiness of working on such a big project with a group of ladies that certainly were “more than” me. My emotions were all over the place throughout the course of the project. Here is some of what I did that reveals my struggle, see if you can relate to any of them. I compared myself to the others, I devalued my own submissions and ideas, I was fearful, unsure, obstinate; I would get off track, derailed, throw fits, ignore and procrastinate. I would be silent, I would think of a million other things I could be doing, I cried, I resented my “yes,” I contemplated quitting, and wondered why anyone would ever want to read anything I had to offer. What’s more, is I’m sure I could go on with a thousand other not so lovely things I did wrong, but you know what? I did the most important thing .
I prayed. Every. Single. Day.
I prayed on my own in the solitude. I prayed with these writing sisters. I prayed with my small group. I was prayed for, and this study was being prayed over by so many I wouldn’t even know who all to thank. With God, I persevered. He never left me. He didn’t give up on me. I wasn’t a mistake to be included in this small circle of amazing Christian ladies. Reality check: Typing that last line, is tough even now. I do not consider myself worthy, but God does. He sees me, and He doesn’t want me to be silent on my struggles.
Today I choose to be obedient to my calling. Today I push all of my anxieties, and the list of reasons why I could be doing anything other than spending this extra time on my bottom in front of my computer to the side. I tell my negative self-chatter to put a sock in it for just a few. In doing so, I will let Jesus speak through me. I am chosen, and I am who the Great I AM says I am. I’m back and I’m giving notice to Satan that I will not be silent and let the enemy win today.
What is the Holy Spirit asking you to share with someone, or do for someone? Is there something you have overcome with the help of Christ that you can share and help another who needs encouragement? I pray today you spend time at His feet, and know you are worthy. Be obedient to do whatever it is He is prompting you to do. If you don’t sense anything, stay close to Him; ask for His guidance and remember His timing is perfect.